I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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