Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
