Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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