I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
