she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
