I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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