Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Bring me that man meat
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
