He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
