I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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