i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
