just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
