we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
