booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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