Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
