I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
