I accidentally burped into my bong.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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