I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
His hands were made for my vagina.
So squirting runs in the family.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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