cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
