Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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