she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
