i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
