I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
