her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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