I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
