What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
