Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
