My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
