Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
