I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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