can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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