Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
COCAINE IS GR8
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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