Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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