..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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