ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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