I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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