In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
