After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Life is so much better after having sex.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize
