did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
