Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
