He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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