I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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