so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
