I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
