Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My liver just broke up with me...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
