WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
