His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize