i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
