I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
