gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
