No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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